Hidan's New Body (Original Version)
by PompusRompus
Summary: Hidan gets turned into a woman and must avoid advantages from his fellow akatsuki members. Meanwhile Tobi makes terrible boob jokes. (This is the original version of the story I had up. Contains 15 chapters with another on the way.)
1. A New Body

**Introducing my old story: Hidan's New Body! THE ORIGINAL VERSION OF IT! All 15 chapters of it. I'm redoing the story since I don't like the way this one turned out. Also I will be finishing this up just to get it out the way. I hope you guys enjoy it since I've had some people ask for it back. I won't be taking it down this time. (I really need to stop doing that.)**

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Contains out of character and gender bent Hidan as well.

* * *

"Damn it, Kakuzu. Get your hands off of me!" Hidan slapped the miser's hands off of his body. The albino had a reason to be acting this way because not too long ago some ninja sent some sort of jutsu at his body transforming him into a woman. That asshole paid dearly for it, but too bad the priest, or rather priestess, should have made the man tell him how to turn back.

Kakuzu had been tasked with the job of making sure no serious damage had been done, but the Jashinist refused to let the miser anywhere near his new body. "Hidan hold still. I'm not going to hurt you."

"Yes you are!" the albino folded his...uh her...arms. "I can see that look in your eyes! Y-you're going to rape me!"

"R-rape you? You're the must unattractive woman I've ever seen. Why in the hell would I want to rape you?"

"I-I don't know! Just stop probing me!" Hidan leaped off the examining table she was sitting on. "Jashin, I hate this stupid body! Look at these things!"

Hidan was playing with her big breasts and was making her partner want to leave this hot mess to Konan. "These are gonna get in the way! I can't even use my scythe as well as I fucking used to! Hm...Kakuzu, could you..."

"Hell no! Anyway, they'll just grow back. You can heal yourself, remember?"

"Oh yeah...FUCK! Now what am I supposed to do! I don't fucking know how to be a damn woman!" Hidan cursed the dead ninja for making her a woman.

"Not that you knew how to be a man." mumbled the miser. "Look, Hidan. I know it's hard, but I can't help you here. I don't know shit about woman, but Konan does, so ask her."

"Why?" Hidan continued to play with his milk-jugs.

"Because she's a damn woman and I'm fucking not."

"B-but I can't go out looking like this! W-what if I get..."

"If you say raped, I'll do it myself!"

"Okay! Okay! Geez!" Hidan clutched her cloak tightly and covered up her chest. 'I swear to fucking Jashin if I get raped or someone touches me, everyone dies!'

"Hey Hidan-san!" Tobi greeted the ninja.

"GO BURN IN HE...oh...it's you. What do you want asshat?" Hidan glared at Tobi.

Tobi stared at Hidan's face for about an hour before grabbing the priestess's breasts and running down the hallway screaming, "HIDAN GOT A SEX CHANGE!"

"YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Hidan yelled before rushing over to Pein's office and knocking on the door.

"Come in Hidan." Pein sighed from behind the door. He knew the man's knocking all too well by now.

"Fuckface, I want Konan's ass out here now!" The priestess said slamming the door shut.

"I'm right here...what the..." Konan stared at Hidan's transformed body and was speakless. "Um what happened to you?"

"I turned into a fucking woman, that's fucking what! Ask fucking fuckface what happened! Anyway, Konan...I don't really fucking like your ass, but I need you to teach me to be a girl."

"Sure." Konan grabbed Hidan's arm. "Come on, Hidan. We'd better start with the basics. Pein, um go check with Kakuzu and find out what he has to say about...this."

2 Hours later

"So...babies come from here?" Hidan pointed between her legs. "And the milk comes from my boobs...and every month...I bleed from the same place..."

"Correct."

"...and I can't take off my shirt anymore."

"Correct."

"Explain." The priestess hated that she couldn't take off her shirt. Hell he hated wearing shirts most of the time and didn't like the fact that she had to keep on her cloak or put on a shirt.

"You're a woman Hidan. Breasts are inappropriate to show in public, so you have to cover them up and that means putting on a bra **_and_** a shirt."

"Fine." Hidan sighed. "But what about the bleeding thing. Does that do anything special?"

"Just don't worry about that part. When you bleed down there, let me know."

"Okay." The albino watched as the older woman left. 'Being a woman's complicated...I guess it's time to pray to Jashin-sama.'

Before Hidan left the room, she looked at herself in the mirror. Not much had changed. She still had her gray hair and purple eyes and it was obvious that she was the male Hidan in female form, but there were some differences. She, as mentioned before, had big boobs. She now a nicely shaped body. Smiling, Hidan moved his hair out of his eyes and straightened her cloak.

"Hm, I've never noticed how fuckin' sexy I am." Hidan winked at himself. "I'd totally fuck me."

"Oh, you're still here." Kakuzu had just entered the room.

"Well duh, why wouldn't I be here?" Hidan was still looking at herself in the mirror while posing and looking at herself at different angles. "Hey, fuckface, I bet you could never look as hot as me!"

"Does it look like I give a fuck?"

"Shut up, dickhead." Hidan kissed his Jashin amulet. "I bet Jashin-sama gave me this body for a reason. I'd better go thank him. Later asshole!"

"He's in a better mood." The miser observed as the Jashinist skipped out of the room. "I just hope he gets over the rapist thing."

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And that's all for now. For you want more, review please!


	2. Boob Problems

"Oh dear Jashin-sama, thank you for giving me this fine ass." Hidan prayed. "I promise to use this sexy body to seduce men and lesbians and lead them to their death."

Hidan kissed her amulet and stood up to leave her secret prayer spot when she spotted Zetsu watching her. This annoyed and angered her since this was a holy spot meant for praying to Jashin. That plant had no business in her sacred area.

"Get outta here, asshole!" she shouted at him.

Zetsu looked surprised for a moment and then quickly sunk into the ground. The Jashinist mumbled to herself before heading back off to the hideout. Maybe she could practice seducing her fellow akatsuki members...but then again those dumbasses might try and pull one on her and she would end up tied up and raped. She quickly prayed to Jashin once more before heading inside and accidently bumping into Kisame.

"Oh hey Hidan. You look different."

"Oh, uh..." Hidan blushed. Even though she had kept it a secret, she had always had a crush on Kisame. The older male had always interested her and she often had fantasies about him all the time. When she had been a man, she tried getting rid of the feelings, but now, she could have him all she wanted...If he would have her.

"Tobi said you had a sex change." Kisame noticed that Hidan was messing with her breasts. "I guess its true then."

"I didn't actually have a fucking sex change. I just got turned into a girl by some bastard. I don't know if its gonna wear off." The priestess sighed as she continued playing with her chest.

"How did it feel?" Kisame asked, trying not to stare at Hidan's chest.

"It burned a little, but it didn't hurt." Hidan suddenly squeaked in surprise. "Jashin! My nipples are so sensitive!"

"Maybe you should stop messing around with your...uh...chest Hidan." Kisame rubbed the back of his neck. Truth be told, he was getting a little turned on by the albino playing with her boobs.

"I can't help it. They're kinda fun to play with." The priest blushed. "They're so soft and...my nipples feel so good when you tug on them."

Kisame looked uncomfortable while the young woman was enjoying herself. 'Come on, Kisame. Move your blue ass! If she notices you staring, she's going to kick your ass.'

"Do you wanna felt them Kisame? They're so nice and round!" Hidan put her back against the shark's chest, grabbed Kisame's hand, and placed them on her chest. Indeed her chest did feel as nice as Hidan said it was, but kami-sama it was still wrong, especially with the dirty thoughts floating around in his mind.

"Hidan, Leader-sama wants to speak..." Kakuzu noticed the position the two ninjas were in and quickly left.

* * *

Hidan glared at her boss when she saw what her boss wanted her to wear. "What the fuck?! I'm not wearing that shit!"

"You are if you want to stay in this organization!" Pein watched as Hidan picked up the bra. "I ain't wearing that shit!" Hidan threw it.

"Hidan, we can't have your breasts flopping around everywhere." Pein sighed. "Look, either wear a bra or a shirt."

"No way!" the priestess took off running. "FREEDOM BITCHES!"

The woman then back flipped out of the room and jumped on the sofa on top of Sasori's lap. The puppet master stared at the woman's breasts and poked one none too gently.

"Damn it, Sasori!" the albino hugged her chest. "They're sensitive."

"So I see." Sasori smirked. "So...I heard you got a sex change."

"I DIDN'T GET A SEX CHANGE! PISS OFF, MIDGET!"

"I don't think I'll be able to." The red head got a creepy look on his face as he leaned closer to her face.

Hidan's eyes widened. 'Oh shit. He's going to rape me!' "Hidan put a shirt on!" Kakuzu yelled at the priestess.

Actually happy to see the miser, she hugged him. "Kakuzu! Protect me! That asshole's a creep."

"Oh come on, Hidan. You know I could easily satisfy you."

"With what? Your one inch dick?"

"Oooh! Burn!" said Deidara from the kitchen.

* * *

"What the hell is this shit?" Hidan stared at the dish Konan had sat in front of her. The purple haired woman was supposed to be teaching her how to eat properly, like a little lady. Hidan's previous eating habits were disgusting, but excusable since he was a man. However, since he was now a girl, it was time to start teaching her how to eat like she was raised in a house and not a barn.

"It's a Rice Omelet."

"What's this red stuff? Blood?" The priestess poked it.

"No, its sauce. Now, pick up your spoon."

She picked up her spoon. "Like this?"

"Yes. Now dip this end into the food." Konan carefully demonstrated this to Hidan. When she was about to propose that she did so too, she found that she was eating with one of her hands and was holding the spoon in the other. "No! Hidan, stop! That's not how you eat! Eat with the spoon like I showed you!"

"What?" Hidan had already finished.

"Nevermind." She sighed. "We'll continue this tomorrow...note to self, cook more food."

Konan left with a sigh. Maybe teaching her how to be a proper lady would take more time than she thought. The priestess just kicked her feet up on the table and started scratching the bottom of her feet with it. That seemed like the only thing it was good for anyway.

"Good morning, Hidan." Zetsu greeted the woman.

"Don't fucking talk to me. I saw you watching me yesterday." Hidan glared at the plant man.

"We weren't watching you. **_Tobi told us something very interesting yesterday."_** The plant giggled. "Yes, Tobi said you had a sex change. **_We only wanted to see if it was true._** "

"I'm going to kill that bastard." Hidan sighed.

"Nice breasts."

"They're a pain in the ass. I can't use my...STOP STARING AT THEM!"

"Well they're too big to ignore!" The bipolar man insisted.

"Damn things." The albino hugged them. "Kakuzu said they'd just grow back if I cut them off or somethin'. How do people stand these...STOP STARING!"

" ** _Don't pretend you don't like them, Hidan. We saw how much you enjoyed touching them yesterday._** Yes, you enjoyed them far too much."

Hidan blushed even though he didn't know why. "I...DON'T JUDGE ME!"

"Hm...could we have a feel?" Zetsu stepped closer to the woman.

"Wah?! NO!" Hidan covered up her chest. "You can't touch my chest! T-that's my...uh...private property!"

" ** _Come on, let us have a little feel._** We'll be gentle." The plant man had a sneaky look in his eyes before grabbing Hidan's breasts.

"Ah! S-stop!" She whimpered as Zetsu began groping. "If you don't get your...filthy hands off of me..."

She was having a difficult time trying to pry the man's hands off since his fingertips were on her nipples. Even though his fingers were on her nipples, Hidan wasn't sure if she was happy or not that they weren't under her cloak touching them. " ** _Hmm...these are very sensitive._** Too bad that they don't lactate. **_Maybe we could..._** "

"Oh hell no!" Although Konan hadn't gotten to the whole "reproduction process", the only way she was going to lactate was to gain a baby and Hidan wasn't ready to have a baby. "I don't want a fucking kid with you! Get off me! Get...ah, ah..."

"I guess she's really sensitive in this new body." Zetsu smirked as he took in the scent of the albino.

"YES, I KNOW!" Hidan yelled, getting ready to kick the man's ass. "STOP TOUCHING ME!"

"Hidan, stop fooling around." It was Konan. "We're going shopping."

Hidan was relieved that Konan had come to her rescue. She had intended on thanking the woman when said woman came in the kitchen, but ended up regretting it a couple of hours later. When she said " **shopping** ", Hidan didn't think they were going to spend 2 hours looking at clothes, trying on bras, and only buying a little bit of clothes and they _still_ weren't done.

"Can we go home now? I'm bored!" The priestess whined. "Come on, Konan! This is taking forever! Is this what women do?"

"Yes. We're almost done. We just have to go buy some makeup."

"But..."

"No buts Hidan. Look, I know you're new to this, but you have to understand that we woman need a lot more things than a man does."

Hidan rolled her eyes as Konan began to babble about all of the important things a woman needed for everyday things, from looking good to personal needs. Personally, she couldn't care less about what she was saying. All she wanted was to get the fuck away from Konan and kill some people. Sometime later, the two were finally done and headed back to the hideout. Thinking about what happened earlier, Hidan quickly hurried to her room and locked the door. In the inside, she saw Kakuzu counting his money.

"Oh. You're in here." Hidan threw down her shopping bags and laid in her bed. "I fucking hate being a woman. It's too hard and people keep wanting to grab my boobs. That plant fucker even tried to get me pregnant just so my boobs would have some milk."

"I'm surprised they don't already have some."

"Are you trying to say that I'm sleeping with people?" the woman was insulted by her partner's statement. "I'm a saint and you should know that by now. I would never have sinful sex with anyone."

Although he didn't agree with the "saint" part, he had to admit that Hidan wasn't one to sleep around. As a matter of fact, whenever a prostitute or just a random girl flirted with the priest and hinted at sex, Hidan would always turn them down and it would often lead to their death. However, he just assumed that the priest was just gay.

"Even if that's the case, maybe you should get a chastity belt."

"A what?"

"A chastity belt...its used to prevent rape, dumbass."

"Hm." Hidan tapped her chin. "Do they make..."

"No. By the way, Konan asked me to make sure you wear a bra and/or a shirt every day."

"W-what?" Hidan hugged her chest. "Y-you mean you're gonna...oh hell no! I ain't wearing it! Hell I didn't even wear one today."

"Hm...maybe that's why Zetsu had so much fun with your chest earlier."

Hidan was silent for a moment. "Fuckface..."

"What?" Kakuzu said not looking up from his money.

"I'm hot."

"And you're telling me this because..."

"I'm gonna take off my fucking cloak and I don't want you staring at my goods!" The ninja remarked as she began to undo her cloak. "Keep counting your fucking money, asshole."

"I have better things to do than stare at your...'goods'. I'm trying to do something." Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"Good, 'cuz the 'girls'' needed to get some air." Hidan suddenly realized what she was saying.

"What the hell am I saying? Oh no...I'M IN FULL BITCH MODE!"

"You mean you're starting to act more like a girl, right? Well you still have your voice." said the miser.

"M-my voice." Hidan touched her throat. "Damn it. You mean my voice is going to change too? I hate this dumbass body. I mean, I look good and all, but it's fucking useless."

"I realize that, but you'll manage. Now, stop complaining." Kakuzu sighed. "Go find someone else to bother."

Hidan glared at the miser. "Fine then, asshole. You're boring as shit anyway."

The priestess left the room, feeling angry. When would this jutsu wear the hell off? Being a woman sucked ass. Maybe sacrificing someone to Jashin-sama would cheer her up and she knew the perfect place. After grabbing her cloak and her scythe, the young woman headed out.


	3. Hidan's Drunk Night Out

"Holy shit, I'm fucking drunk." Hidan mumbled to herself as she stumbled out of the bar. Behind her, she left about 15 bloody Jashinist symbols all over the bar along with the same number of bodies. The only person alive was the bartender and an old ass dog. The young woman had left them alive only because the bartender was the one supplying the drinks and the dog...well Jashin-sama didn't want dogs and besides, Hidan had a dog once.

"I-is t-that all m-ma'am?" the nervous bartender asked. 'Please don't let me be next, Kamisama!'

"One more can't..." she hit her head on the bar counter after taking a seat again. "...hurt."

The man quickly got the woman another drink, still scared. She was still in her cursed form (she had done her sacrificing technique on the spot where she was sitting) and he was scared that he was going to be next. The priestess quickly downed the drink and demanded another, even though it was possible she was going to regret it in the morning.

After a few more drinks, Hidan decided it was time to leave. Paying the man, the woman stumbled out of the bar, dragging her scythe behind her. Normally she could take more than 7 drinks without getting wasted, but it seemed that woman could only take less alcohol than a man. No wonder she was shit-faced. Never in Hidan's life did she ever have trouble walking, not even when she first started walking.

"Jashin-sama, why did I drink so much?" The priestess whimpered as she stopped to throw up. "Oh fuck, I need help."

"Hidan, is that you?"

"K-kisame, is that you?" Hidan slurred.

"Yeah it's me. Are you okay?" The shark quickly caught the ninja as she stumbled towards him and fell.

"I'm fucking drunk. Take me home, fishy." The priestess coughed and threw up, thankfully, on the ground.

"Damn, Hidan. How much did you have?" The shark said carrying the woman bridal style.

"15." Hidan giggled. "I'm so shit-faced right now. I feel like...shit...hey, Kisame?" "Huh?"

"That sword...Samedaha, right?"

"What about it?"

"Is it...supposed to, you know, compensate for something?" Hidan giggled.

"What? Hell no." Kisame smirked. "Everyone pretty much says that, but then again they've never seen the real thing."

"Awesome...how big is it?"

"I don't mean to brag, but pretty huge."

"Could I see it?"

Kisame chuckled softly. "You're drunk, Hidan. Let's just concentrate on getting back to the hideout."

"Okay, Kisame-chan!" The Jashinist giggled, liking the sound of the name she called Kisame.

After getting back to the hideout, the albino was laid down in her bed. "There you go, Hidan. See you later."

"W-wait." Hidan pulled his arm. "I-I have to pee. Carry me?"

Kisame looked a bit awkward, but picked up the albino woman. He wasn't sure what to do next. Hidan obviously wasn't in the position to pee on her own (plus there was the fact that she was covered in alcohol, blood, and smelled like barf), so that meant that not only did he have to help her pee, but also help her bathe. In the state she was in, the swordsman knew there was a high risk that Hidan was going to attack him as she had done to the people in the bar. He could have asked Kakuzu to help her, being that they were partners and all, but alas, the older man was on a bounty mission.

Upon reaching the toilet, Kisame knew what he had to do, but wasn't sure what would happen. Praying that Hidan wouldn't try to attack him, he slowly pulled down her panties and held her as she used the toilet while she gripped his cloak. After that was done, Kisame ran a hot bath for her. Now came the hard part.

"Okay, Hidan, get in the tub."

"No...I don't wanna fucking move!" Hidan gripped his cloak tightly. "I wanna sleep."

"You smell awful, so you need a bath. Konan asked me to look after you until Kakuzu gets back from his mission, so get in or I'll do it myself!"

Hidan wasn't listening since she had drifted off to sleep. Kisame's eye twitched and he sighed.

Trying not to wake her up, he quickly undressed her and put her into the bath water. He had to admit, as a woman, she was pretty hot and her body was amazing.

"Kisame-chaaan..." Hidan whispered.

"Hm?"

"You're blue." The albino ran a soft hand over Kisame's cheek. "And you have gills too."

The swordsman blushed. "Y-yeah, Hidan. I know."

"You have sharp teeth too, Kisa-chan." Hidan blushed and leaned forward as Kisame ran a bath cloth over her face. "Does it hurt when you bite your tongue?

"Not really. I've gotten used to it by now." He tried to concentrate as he began to wash her arms. 'Damn it...I have to clean her chest **_and_** down there too.'

"Kisa-chan, your skin is so soft. Touch me..." Hidan wrapped her arms around the shark's neck. "Touch me anywhere you want."

"W-what?"

"When you touch me, it feels nice."

The shark looked away and decided it was best to ignore her comments for now. She couldn't have possibly meant what she said. "Hidan, use this to clean your...um...the rest of yourself." "Why can't you do it?" slurred the ninja.

"Well...'cuz...uh..." Kisame flinched when Hidan grabbed his hand and placed it on her chest.

"Come on, Kisa-chan." The albino smirked. "I don't mind. I'm too drunk to even fucking care anyway."

The swordsman took a deep breath and continued to clean Hidan. He felt uncomfortable cleaning the rest of the woman's body and was worried that his fingers might slip into a place where they weren't welcome. Luckily for him, everything went fine, except for when Hidan moaned. That just made Kisame want to leave quickly before he hopped on the ninja.

'There! Done!' The shark picked up the naked woman, quickly put her into a towel, and laid her down on her bed. "Good night, Hidan."

"W-wait..." Hidan tried to sit up, but ended up laying back down after feeling like she was going to throw up again. "Stay with me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'll fall asleep faster, Kisa-chan." She begged with pleading eyes. "Please..."

"Fine, just stop looking at me like that." Hidan scooted over, making room for the man and blushing. "You're so cute when you blush, Kisa-chan. Heheh..."

* * *

 ** _THE NEXT MORNING_**

Hidan yawned as she woke up, only to see that Kisame's arms were wrapped around her waist. Smiling, she pressed her face up to his and stroked his gills. 'He's so cute! Too bad I can't do this all the time.'

"Hidan, I'm ba..." Kakuzu stared at the couple. "Oh. I didn't know I was interrupting something."

"Shut the fuck up, cunt!" Hidan threw a pillow at her partner. "I asked him to stay in here with me last night when I was drunk."

"And you two then had sex."

"We didn't."

"Then why are you naked?" Kakuzu smirked.

"I'm not..." Hidan looked down and indeed she was naked due to the fact that the towel had fallen off. "Shit!"

She quickly covered herself with the towel, got some clothes, and ran into the bathroom. The man chuckled softly. 'They totally banged.'


	4. More Troubles

After putting on a pair of shorts and a shirt (bra surprisingly included), Hidan tried to leave the room without her partner knowing she was leaving the room. She stopped when she heard him clear his throat. "What the fuck do you want?"

"You forgot your boyfriend." He laughed as he gestured to a sleeping Kisame.

"Shut the hell up!" Hidan slammed the door and made her way to the kitchen. Being drunk all night always left her wanting a snack. However, she found Tobi in the kitchen and breakfast was forgotten. "YOU!"

"Hello!" Tobi said cheerfully waving at her.

"YOU ASSHOLE!" Hidan had the masked ninja in a headlock. "You told every-fucking-one I got a damn sex change!"

"W-well you did!" Tobi pointed out.

"NO I DIDN'T YOU ASSHOLE!" Hidan threw Tobi down on the floor and raised a foot about to step on his face when Tobi's foot kicked Hidan in the crotch. Since Hidan was a girl, it didn't affect her as Tobi hoped it would. "HA! IN YOUR FACE YOU SHIT BAG!"

"Not so fast, Hidan-san!" Tobi had made a shadow clone that grabbed the woman's breasts from behind.

"What the...let go of me!"

Tobi started to run off, but then turned and said, "You may be a **_boob_** sometimes, Hidan-san, but you're still my **_breast_** friend!"

"TOBI!" Hidan punched the shadow clone and ran after him.

As the two ran down the hallway, Deidara was walking out of his room with a bucket in his hands. It was full of a new experiment he had been working on. It consisted of melted clay with the stickiest of ingredients mixed into it. Deidara had been experimenting with his clay for the past 3 weeks and finally had a breakthrough. He was finally able to create the greatest super clay in the world. Now his clay would successfully stick to his enemies and they would have an incredibly hard time getting it off.

"Are you sure you should be walking around with that stuff?" asked his partner as he began to head outside to test his experiment.

"As long as some dumb ass doesn't walk into me, then I'll be..." Before he could finish, Tobi barely missed him, causing him to spill a bunch on the floor. "DAMN IT TOBI!"

"S-sorry Deidara-senpai!" Tobi continued to run, not bothering to stop.

"Oh, you're going to be sorry alright, un!" Deidara turned and shook a fist. He then mumbled to himself as he turned to continue heading outside when Hidan ran right into him, knocking both ninjas onto the ground while covering them with the sticky substance.

"Shit! Thanks a lot for getting in my way, shithead!" Hidan cursed the bomber but was secretly thankful that she had landed on something soft.

"Hey, _you're _ the one that ran into me first!" yelled the annoyed ninja.

Hidan tried to get up, but found that her hands were stuck on the floor next to the ninja's head. "What the hell...what is this? Why the fuck am I stuck?"

"That's because you and that little shit made me spill my special sticky clay!" Deidara sighed.

"That means we're gonna be stuck here for some time, un."

"Shit." She sighed too. That meant that she had to stay in the same position for hours until they could be freed as her "goods" were hanging over the man's face. Maybe... "Deidara, blow us up!"

"W-what?"Deidara's eyes widened. "Are you crazy?! We'll die!"

"You'll die. I'm immortal."

"Leader-sama will get mad and..."

"STOP BEING SUCH A DAMN BABY! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT..." Hidan stopped talking as soon as she felt something grope her ass. "Deidara, you have 5 seconds to let go of my ass."

The bomber didn't let go and continued to grope the albino's ass. Hidan growled and moved her hips trying to get his hands off of her ass. However the young man didn't mind. As Hidan moved, her chest moved too and he was enjoying the site, but too bad she wasn't topless. She glared the blonde man.

"Stop touching me you ass..." The young woman stopped talking and kneed the man in the crotch. "Keep those hands where I can see 'em, mother fucker!"

"Shit!" the man beneath her groaned in pain but placed his hands back on her bottom.

After an hour of being in the same position with Deidara enjoying her ass, fondling her boobs, and managed to enjoy it even more once he figured out how to get Hidan's pants down without her knowing, the priestess could have screamed for joy when she heard Konan. Upon reaching the couple, the woman could only stare and after a bit, she came over. "Am I interrupting?"

"No! We're just about to get to the good part!" Hidan said sarcastically. "HELP ME, YOU ASSHOLE!"

Konan shook her head, left for a minute, and came back with some hot water. After the two were free and she pulled back on her pants, the priestess slapped Deidara as hard as she could, nearly knocking him back into the gunk. Konan quickly grabbed the younger woman and dragged her to the medical bay and placed her in on a bed.

"Why the fuck are we here?" Hidan asked, although what she was really wondering was why Konan dragged her away when she needed to beat the crap out of a certain pair troublemakers who had lied about how she became a woman and the other was groping her without her permission.

"It's time for another lesson, Hidan." explained Konan as she pulled out a flip chart that had a picture of a woman and baby on the front. "It's time for an important lesson in sex ed."

Konan then spent the next hour telling Hidan about sex and why it was important to practice safe sex. Unfortunately for her, she wasted her time because Hidan fell asleep after Konan got to the part about how she was going to speak about sex. About the time she was done explaining about safe sex, Hidan farted and woke up.

"Wah-what happened?" The young woman said looking around. "I-is it over?"

"Were you sleeping the whole time?" Konan hit the albino's head with her pointer.

"Hell yeah I did!" Hidan yawned. "No offense, but when am I going to need to know how to have sex or have children?"

"Well, you never know. You might want kids someday and it helps to know what's going on before, during, and after." Konan shrugged. "But I don't know...seems like it was wasted on you after your little...how should I put this...session with the blonde."

"Hey! That was an accident!" the albino growled. Like she'd ever willingly let Deidara of all people touch her like that.

"Mmm-hm. Anyway, since you're too bored to continue our lesson or even listen, I have something for you." Konan threw a bag at her face and left, mumbling under her breath as she left.

Hidan glared at her but then looked through the bag. It was full of condoms, lube, baby books, a book called, "Sex and You: Knowing Your Body and Your Partner's", and "Sex for Dummies: Woman Edition". The albino started at the items for a minute and then began to blow up condom balloons.

* * *

Upon leaving the room, Hidan's stomach was growling. "Damn. I forgot to eat breakfast earlier. Time to eat, I fucking guess. I can go kick Deidara and Tobi's asses later."

Hidan happily helped herself to some cereal but wondered if any of the things Konan had given her would come in handy someday. Well there was no time to worry about it at the moment. For right now, she needed to fill herself with food. All that napping made her hungry.

"Good afternoon, Hidan." Pein greeted the young woman. "Did everything go okay with Konan?"

"I slept the whole fucking time, but she did give me that shit." She said pointing to the bag on the floor.

Pein sighed. "Hidan, look I know you're new to this stuff, but you're supposed to listen to Konan. Until you're a man again, you have to learn how to act like a woman and behave like a lady. I know it's going to be boring, but..."

"I know you're trying to fucking help, but I've got this all under control."

"Oh really?" The leader said as he held up a condom balloon. "Are you sure?"

"Shut the hell up. Like I'm ever going to need that shit anyway." The albino yawned. "It's not like I'm not going to be a woman forever."

"That doesn't mean you have to this situation lightly." Pein rolled his eyes. "Just take this seriously and stop fooling around with the other members."

"I'm not fooling around! I wasn't trying to have sex with either of those idiots and all this time they've been sexually harassing me more than once, you gingered haired bastard!" She angrily shook her fist at the ginger.

"Oh, then what was that little scene I saw on the camera in the hallway? You seemed to be enjoying yourself when he stuck his hands in your pants and put his hands under your shirt."

"I wasn't fucking enjoying myself!" Hidan blushed, slightly angry and embarrassed.

"It didn't look like it, especially when he...nevermind. If you want to do something like that, do it elsewhere...like you did with a certain somebody who shall not be named."

"If you're talking about Sasori and Zetsu, they were doing the same thing as Deidara's dumb ass and I didn't fucking like it!"

Pein raised a brow. "I was talking about Kisame."

"WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX, DAMN IT!" The woman quickly left with her bag, angry. Pein, on the other hand shook his head. If this kept up, he wouldn't be surprised is the priestess got knocked up anytime soon.

* * *

Hidan felt dirty after her small talk with her boss. Did he really think she would sleep with any of the retards in the akatsuki? Well hell no she wouldn't...well except for Kisame. What the hell did he mean that they had sex? Was it because he saw both of them enter the room and just assumed so? Whatever he saw, it was wrong. Sighing, Hidan decided headed into the bathroom to clean herself from the dirtiness she felt from both Deidara and Tobi touching her and from the fact that Pein somewhat implied that she was using her new body for a dirty unsaintly deed.

The priestess leaned over and turned on the bath water. She lifted her shirt over her head and unhooked her lacy black bra, uncovering her large breasts. She instantly felt the need to blame them for her being groped, but decided to blame it on the fucking horny perverts that touched them. After quickly taking the rest off, Hidan got into the bath water and started to relax. As she sat there soaking in the tub, the young woman couldn't help but to wonder why was it that everyone was all over her now that she was a girl. There wasn't anything special about her and nothing really all that different. As a matter of fact, the only thing Hidan knew what was different was that she had breasts and a petite feminine body.

'I'm no fucking different than the rest. Maybe women just fucking give off some sort of scent...' Hidan thoughts started to drift off. 'I wonder if we're different down there...'

A little curious she slid her hand from down her slim stomach down to her crotch only to find something else there. What the hell was going on?! Hidan started to panic. The thing was interesting to touch, but it felt weirder than what she was used to. Maybe this was was what Konan was trying to teach her. Well at least she still had the book to look through. Maybe she should have listened to Konan, but then again there was that book she had given the priestess.


	5. Perverts Part 1

Hidan blushed as she took a better look at her vagina with the small mirror she had borrowed from Konan. It looked strange and seemed weird to her, but it was fun to touch though. Spreading her lower lips, she slowly spread her legs a bit more and slowly slid a finger inside her tight virgin body, biting her lip as she did so. It felt funny and strange, but after a while, she got used to it. Her hand slowly found the rhythm that worked for her. When she added a second finger she could feel her internal muscles contract as she inserted a second finger inside her tight body. She tugged none too gently on her left nipple while she thought of her crush, Kisame, in various positions, naked of course. The last (and first) time she saw him naked was last night. She blushed harder at the memory.

The night he took her home was the best thing ever. He touched her, although not in an imitate way and it was only to bathe her. Later into the night, Hidan had woken up and noticed that the man was in a deep sleep with his cloak off, revealing his nice upper body. Curious for what was underneath the covers, the young woman undressed him revealing how huge Kisame was. It was a stupid thing to do, but Hidan had no regrets. Suddenly Kakuzu (who had been talking a shower) had turned off the water and Hidan quickly put back on Kisame's pants before the miser came out.

Hidan had suddenly remembered what she had read in the book about using a vibrator. She pulled out one that she also "borrowed" from Konan. It was a small, pink dildo that the priestess deemed was suitable for her virgin body. Stroking her clit, she carefully placed the end against the entrance of the pink hole. With a gentle push, the tip slipped into her tight womanhood. At the first penetration, the young woman whimpered softly and waited a few seconds before pushing it further.

Pleasure spread through her body as it burrowed into her tightness and from where her clit was being fondled. She moaned softly as she writhed blissfully on the bed, both her eyes closed as she flipped the setting up to medium. The dildo caressed her sweet spots and her fingers quickly massaged her clit. Hidan whimpered softly, as she pushed her the dildo further into her pussy and didn't stop until the toy was at maximum penetration. After turning the speed of the vibrator up to the highest setting, Hidan started to slowly thrust the vibrator inside of herself while her left hand continued to provide pleasure to her clit. She continued to speed up her movements until she was on the verge of her climax.

Hidan cried out Kisame's name silently as she came softly on the bed, covering her sheets with her female cum. She reached down, cut off the vibrator, and removed it her vagina. Hidan blushed and began to breathe heavily from her first orgasm. Suddenly she heard the sound of a door and slowly turned around facing her partner.

"K-kakuzu!" She turned bright red and quickly covered her body with the pillow. "W-what the fuck are you doing here?"

"I...Uh..." Kakuzu turned bright red.

"How much did you fucking see?"

"Nothing." The miser rubbed the back of his head. "U-uh...I'm gonna go now..."

The man quickly left, embarrassed. He should have fucking knocked, but no! He just walked on in. Every time he saw her, she was nearly always naked or in some kind of position where it was sexual. Maybe it would be possible to switch partners or get a different room.

"Hey, Kakuzu." It was Kisame.

"Oh...uh...hey, Kisame. You looking for Hidan?"

"Yeah." Kisame noticed how uncomfortable the older man looked. "Uh...have you seen him...uh her."

"Yeah. Knock before you enter."

Kisame nodded and went to the shared room. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door. A few seconds later, the young woman came to the door. "O-oh, Kisame-kun...oh h-hey."

The young woman was dressed in only a pink lacy bra and pink panties, with a faint blush on her face. Although he hadn't yet stepped in there yet, there was a scent hanging in the air. It smelled kind of like sex. Did Kakuzu and Hidan...?

"Hey, Jaws, are you alright?" She placed a hand on his cheek and suddenly realized what she had just done. She hadn't washed her hands and so her "love juices" were now on his face.

'Shit!'

"Uh...what's on your hands?"

"N-nothing!" She turned bright red. "Did you want something?"

"Yes! I mean, yes. I was wondering if you wanted to, you know, go out somewhere...I mean if you weren't busy."

"No, no! I'm not fucking busy. Just let me take a shower and we can go." Hidan blushed.

"Okay. Just come by my room when you're ready." The shark left, but touched his cheek wondering if the stuff on his cheek was what he thought it was.

####$$$####

"So where are we going?" The Jashinist asked as the two walked down the path away from the hideout.

"Nowhere in particular." Kisame watched as Hidan adjusted her sports bra. "So...you're finally wearing a bra."

"Yeah, but it's too fucking hot for a shirt." Hidan's eyes looked over at Kisame's bare chest.

"I suppose so. That's why I'm not wearing a shirt." The swordsman saw the priestess looking at him and smiled. The albino met his eyes, turned bright red, and looked away. "You have very beautiful eyes, Hidan."

The albino covered her face, embarrassed. Noticing this, Kisame suggested that they stopped at a dango stand. She agreed, happy to get out of the awkward moment. This was her first date, if you could call it that, and she was happy it was with the blue man. 'He's so cute!' As they ate their dango, Hidan decided to engage in conversation. "Where's your sword?"

"My sword? Ah, Samedaha. It's in the room taking a nap." Kisame took a bite of his dango.

"You don't think we'll get attacked?"

"Nah. Of course not. Even if we were, I'm pretty strong."

"Your muscles are pretty big."

"Hm? Do you wanna have a feel?"

"S-sure." Hidan squeezed his arm. 'Damn he has a nice body and nice abs...shit. He's in better shape than I was when I was a man. I can just imagine those big strong arms wrapped around my body. I'm so much tinier than him. I bet it feels so safe in his arms.'

'She's so tiny compared to me.' Kisame observed as Hidan continued to squeeze his muscles and ran her fingers over his muscles. 'She's really cute too and seems so fragile...'

The swordsman placed a hand on her cheek and stroked it. 'Her skin is so soft and smooth like a baby's. She has those big purple eyes too...'

"K-kisame..." She blushed not sure what to say or do. 'Jashin-sama, help me...'

As the two leaned forward, seeming like they were going to kiss, Zetsu showed up. "'Sup, Jaws and Hida. **Getting a bit close there, aren't we**?"

"Oh hey Zetsu." Kisame turned from Hidan, who wished she had her scythe with her to beat the plant for ruining the moment.

"Beat it, heathen!"

"Nice to see you too... ** _and I'm not talking about your lovely boobs_**." Zetsu stared at Hidan's chest. Noticing this, she quickly covered her chest.

"Did you want something, Zetsu?" Kisame interrupted Hidan

"Yep. You and your partner and Kakuzu and Hidan are going on a mission. Head on over to Pein's office. **_No time for a quickie_**."

"I really hate that mother fucker." Hidan folded her arms as soon as the plant disappeared into the ground. 'Stupid bastard...ruining my date with Kisame...I'll kill that motherfucker!'

"Come on, Hidan. We can finish our little date another time."

"Huh?" She blushed. "R-really. We're on a date?" "Well if you wanna call it that." Kisame laughed.

"Sure. I don't fucking mind." Hidan nervously grabbed the man's hand. "Um...sorry about earlier."

"No problem. That wasn't what I thought it was...or was it?"

"Hell no...I mean if you thought me and dumbass were fucking, then you're crazy."

The shark was relieved to hear that. 'Thank you Kami-sama! Then that stuff was...what?'

Upon getting back to the base, Hidan and Kisame went back into Pein's office, although the priestess wanted to do something else. Their partners were already there by the time they arrived, so the best thing to do was to head inside.

"Good afternoon, you all." the leader looked over at Hidan. "I see you took my advice, Hidan. How does it fit you? Fine, I hope."

"Shut up, asshole and just give us the damn mission before I shove my bra up your ass."

"I wasn't talking about...or was that Konan...hm..." The leader scratched his chin. After a few minutes, he remembered that he said a group in his office. "Anyway...your mission is to check out a location in the mountain county. There have been some reports of strange activities there that may be linked to Orochimaru. Your mission is to check it out. Kill anybody that gets in your way and don't cause any attention to yourselves."

'So I get to spend some more time with Kisame. Yes!' Hidan could have sang for joy, but kept it to herself since singing was wasn't something she did well.

The group headed out the next day with Hidan complaining about the rain. Damn boss was lucky that he didn't have to go out in this weather, but they did. On top of that, she felt colder than she had before she turned into a woman. Maybe this was why he wanted her to wear a shirt so badly.

"Dammit, I hate the rain!" Hidan complained. "Why does he always send us out in the worst weather possible. Is that shithead on crack?!"

"Shut it, Hidan." Kakuzu sighed. "It's not that bad. It'll get worse in the mountains, so save your nagging for later, okay?"

"Shit." Hidan mumbled to herself.

"It's getting dark. We should stop in an hour or two." said Itachi ignoring the pair.

"Good idea, Itachi-san. There should be a hotel two miles from here. We could stop there." Kisame suggested.

"Good. I fucking hate the rain."

"So we've heard." The miser mumbled under his breath.

Sure enough up the road there was a small hotel for them to stay in. Hidan was relieved for there to be on. She had always hated being in the rain, even when she was a child. As long as the hotel wasn't out of rooms, this night was going off to a good start.

"The hotel clerk said there's only two rooms available. One with two beds and one in a honeymoon suite."

"Shit." Kakuzu looked at the priestess. "So...uh...so what are we gonna do here?"

Hidan suddenly had an idea and saw a chance of being with Kisame. "Me and...uh...Kisame could take the honeymoon suite. Right, Jaws?"

"What?"

"Sounds good to me. Let's go, Itachi." The miser quickly left the lounge, dragging the Uchiha behind him.

"Well...um...o-okay." Kisame turned to Hidan. "I guess we're going to the room...together."

"Yeah." The priestess fiddled with her cloak. "Come on."

She nervously grabbed his hand and guided him to the bedroom. Upon getting there, the two stared at the room. It was pretty large with a large heart shaped bed with little rose petals on the bed. Everything was red, including the walls that had little pink hearts on the carpeted walls and floor. There was a basket on the bed that had sex toys, dildos, condoms, lube, and other sexual items.

"Damn, there sure is some kinky shit in here. Huh? What's this?" The priestess held up a butt plug.

"That's a...um...never mind. Just put it down." Kisame took off his cloak and hung it on a chair.

"Damn I'm soaking wet. Do you wanna take a shower first?"

"Yeah. I'm freezing." She shivered.

"Here, let me take off your cloak." Kisame began to slip off the woman's cloak, making her blush. "Geez, you're wetter than me."

"In more ways than you know..." mumbled the young woman under her breath, suddenly she realized that she was naked underneath. "W-wait!"

"Huh? What's wrong?"

"I-I'm not wearing anything underneath except for some panties and a bra. I didn't think it was going to rain, so I only put on what I got. I'll just put some clothes on later."

"Well you'll catch a cold if you don't take it off." Kisame blurted out. He hadn't meant to have said it like that, but he was concerned for her well-being.

"I-I know. Heh." the priestess quickly made her way to the bathroom leaving Kisame on the bed to watch tv, which turned out to be filled with nothing but porn.

'Crud! Is there porn on EVERY channel? I don't want Hidan thinking I'm sort of pervert...good thing she can't read minds.' he heard the sound of shower water in the bathroom. Well he guessed it wouldn't hurt to squeeze out before the priestess came out. The fact that he had been sporting an erection after finding out Hidan was only wearing a pair of panties and a bra and it was getting painful.

The shark unzipped his pants and pulled out his 12 inch cock that was already leaking precum. He squeezed the skin on cock lightly then traced his fingers to the base of his shaft and wrapped his hand around his fully erect cock. He closed his eyes and let out a moan of pleasure as his cock slid out more precum. He stroked his way towards a sensitive spot and growled deep in his throat as he first touched the end, gently stroking and rubbing his rough fingers over the tip. He closed his eyes and thought about Hidan...her big, beautiful purple eyes, her giant, soft breasts, her tiny little cute hands, the way she moaned when he touched her, the way she looked at him, and the cute little looks she gave him sometimes...

Kisame moaned softly as he began to move his hand faster gaining close to his climax. He moaned lightly as he felt the pressure build up inside of him. His hips rammed into his fist quicker as the last few pumping actions were putting him over the edge. He moaned loudly as he came in his hand, his fists milking him into the last drop of cum. After his breath came back, the blue man grabbed some tissues and quickly cleaned up before putting back his cock back into his pants. He felt perverted for masturbating to her, but at least that problem was taken care of.

"K-kisame!" Hidan screamed from the bathroom. "Come here! Now! Hurry the fuck up!"

"What?" Kisame quickly ran into the bathroom.

"I fucking fell and I think I broke my Jashin damned ankle."

"Hold on. I'm coming." The shark came inside the bathroom finding the albino on the shower, trying to cover up her large chest and had a hand in-between her legs. "Are you okay?"

"Hell no! My ankle's all bent." Hidan whimpered as he touched it.

"Hold on." The swordsman grabbed a towel, placed it on the woman, and helped her on the bed.

"SHIT!" The young priestess whimpered as Kisame sat her broken foot on one of the pillows.

"Can you move it back into place? Kakuzu's old ass usually does it for me."

"I don't wanna hurt you, Hidan."

"Please do it?" She held her foot while looking up at the shark with big puppy eyes.

"F-fine." taking a deep breath he carefully took her foot and quickly snapped it back into place.

The priestess cursed and gripped his arm. "Are you alright, Hidan-san?"

"N-no...it fucking hurt. Give me something to drink. SHIT!" Hidan rubbed her foot.

The swordsman poured her some wine into a cup and then started massaging her feet. This made the priestess turn bright red. Kisame's hands were so soft and it seemed as if he could have been excellent masseuse or something. She giggled as the shark ran his fingers over a ticklish spot on her foot.

"Oh, you like that, don't you, Hidan-san?" The shark smirked and began to tickle the Jashinist's foot. "How about this?"

"Hahaha! S-stop, Kisame! S-stop! Please! I-it tickles!" the young woman tried to stop laughing.

"Come on, Hidan, you know you like it! I wonder if you're ticklish somewhere else..." Kisame moved up and down the albino's leg.

"Stop it! Hahaha!"

MEANWHILE

"Do you hear that?" Kakuzu looked up as Itachi was painting his nails.

"Yes. I think Kisame-kun's tickling Hidan."

"Tickling?"

"Yeah. He's a tickler." Itachi sighed. "I wonder if they're having sex."

"I-Itachi-san!"

"What? I've seen the way they look at each other." Itachi blew on the older man's nails.

"Besides, it's not a secret they like each other, like us." "What?" The miser raised a brow.

"Yes. Have you not noticed?" Itachi sat on the bed with Kakuzu.

"About Jaws and the religious asshole, yes. About me and you and everyone knowing, hell no."

"Oh. I just assumed..." The Uchiha blushed. "I don't mind anyone knowing, though."

"I guess I don't either." he kissed the younger man on the cheek. "I hope they make good use of that room."


End file.
